What does your friend zone look like? Are you struggling with silent resentment at giving more than you get back? Do you feel that you make most of the effort to make the relationship work?
Having healthy friendships is key to optimum mental health.
However, if you do not properly manage people your inner (and outer) circles, your adult friendships can be a source of pain, and contribute to you feeling stuck in a rut.
The friendship relatability model helps you better manage expectations from ‘friends’ in your circle.
The Relatability Model
There are 4 zones in the relatability model. Once you understand this model, you can cultivate relationships that anchor, and not trip you.
The 4 zones are the:-
- Space Zone
- Inner Zone
- Anchor Zone
- Guest Zone
1. Inner Zone
The inner zone is occupied by YOU and drives all of your relationships. In this zone, you ‘teach others how to treat you’ by mirroring authentic self-love and boundaries.
This is the largest zone, and where you should make the biggest investment. Self-care, personal development and saying No are key to making this zone grow.
If your sense of self is shaky, then you will attract unhealthy friendships into your orbit, such as frenemies, gladiators, monitoring spirits, bloody Samaritans & scavengers.
The key practice is this zone is SELF REFLECTION.
You need to be clear on your values, what you will and will not tolerate & what your highest self looks like.
Once you are clear on this, then you can go ahead and begin to curate your Anchor zone.
2. Anchor Zone
Your anchor zone is made of ‘family’.
This term is used to mean family members who embody the true spirit of family, as well as the family you get to choose (friends).
An anchor weighs you down, and prevents you from swaying – come high tides or wild winds. It is sturdy, strong and reliable.
Does this definition describe those that are in your inner circle?
If it does, then you need to nurture these relationship.
Most people put into people who do little to nothing for them, while neglecting those who stand by them. Rather, deliberately strengthen and enrich your relationship with people in this circle.
The key practice in this zone is CULTIVATION.
If you find that the people you thought were anchors do not fit this description, do not fret. You can move them into the Guest Zone.
3. The Guest Zone
How do your treat a guest? Do you open up immediately and trauma dump on them? Do you reveal your inner secrets and invite them to places reserved for your inner circle? Do you expect loyalty and love from them without knowing much about them?
Of course you don’t. At least I hope that this is not the case.
You treat a guest with respect, and have a good time with them, while maintaining your distance.
The guest zone is where most of the pain (and the energy leakage) happens. You should therefore PROACTIVELY manage the ‘guests’ in this circle and learn to engage without over-sharing. You can still get some value from these interactions, without necessarily bringing them into your inner circle.
The key practice in this zone is BOUNDARIES.
People in the guest zone may stay in this circle, make it to the anchor circle (with time) or may find themselves in the space zone.
4.Space Zone
This is the outermost zone and it is reserved for people who have shown you who they are, and whose values do not align with yours (your inner self).
People in this zone will drain your inner core, if you let them. It is therefore key to keep these interactions to a bare minimum. In a perfect world, you would not have to relate to these people, but unfortunately familial or financial ties may force us to be in contact with these characters.
The aim is that relations in this zone will fade out in time, or there will be so much emotional and spiritual space, that you will not be affected by their actions. This zone is where you place frenemies, narcissists and toxic people.
The key to managing this zone is to HAVE A STRONG INNER CORE.
There is no shortcut to dealing with these people. As you develop an even stronger inner core, you will be able to put permanent distance between you and people in this zone.
The Way forward
And there you have it. A relatability friendship model to make sense of the relationships that seem to blow hot, hot and cold or not at all.
Empowered? Don’t stop here, grab a pen and paper and map out your interactions using this model. You will be surprised who deserve a seat at your inner sanctum and who do not. Once you have mapped this out clearly, go ahead and structure your interactions accordingly.
Once your expectations are managed, you can manage your relationships and free up some valuable energy to go after your goals.
Evaluating the benefits and drawbacks of any relationship is your responsibility. You do not have to passively accept what is brought to you. You can choose – Deborah Day
Stay Relentless
– Signal East Team
